How to Help Someone in Crisis with Just 7 Simple Words
When Kelly Corrigan’s daughters entered their tween years, she wanted to help them navigate the challenges of growing up. If one of her girls came home upset, whether it was from bullying or feeling left out, Corrigan would offer advice on how to handle it.
However, her well-meaning solutions didn’t always work. Her daughters would often become frustrated or dismissive, retreating into their own world. “Their emotions would shift from raw to tired and dismissive,” Corrigan recalled in an interview on NPR’s TED Radio Hour.
But one day, when her daughter Georgia called crying, Corrigan had a chance to try something different. She was in the car with a friend who was training to become a therapist, so she put the call on speaker.
Georgia was upset because she felt all the girls in her class had turned on her for no reason. Corrigan’s friend quietly whispered, “Say, ‘Tell me more.’” Corrigan repeated it: “Tell me more.”
To her surprise, Georgia started to open up in a way she hadn’t before. Corrigan continued with another suggestion from her friend: “Say, ‘That sounds really hard.’” When Corrigan echoed those words, Georgia responded with more honesty and vulnerability than ever. Instead of shutting down, she kept talking.
This experience was a turning point for Corrigan. She realized that sometimes, the best way to help someone going through a tough time is not by offering solutions, but by listening and validating their feelings.
Over the years, Corrigan has shared her insights on family dynamics, relationships, and emotional support through her PBS show, podcast, and books. She emphasizes that offering compassion, rather than fixing the problem, can create a deeper connection. Here are some key lessons she shared on TED Radio Hour.
1. Resist the Urge to Fix the Problem
Corrigan explains that jumping straight to solutions can be dismissive. If someone shares their troubles and you immediately offer advice, it can feel like you’re saying, “It’s not that difficult; why are you upset?” Instead of fixing the issue, allow the person to work through their feelings. Let them feel the satisfaction of resolving their own problems, not you.
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“You have to decide their needs are more important than your urge to help,” Corrigan says.
2. Use These Seven Words
To help someone feel truly heard, you don’t need to offer advice—just listen. Corrigan recommends using simple phrases like:
- “Tell me more.”
- “Go on…”
- “What else?”
These words give the other person space to share their feelings and experiences, making them feel loved and accepted. As Corrigan puts it, “You can get pretty far in life with those seven words.”
3. Practice Emotional Hospitality
Love and support don’t look the same for everyone. Some people, like children, may not want a hug when they’re upset. Corrigan suggests practicing “emotional hospitality,” which means creating a safe, welcoming environment where the other person feels invited to share their feelings. You don’t have to say the perfect thing—just show up and listen.
“Tell me something. I’m here,” Corrigan says. And then, really listen. Most people prefer talking, but few love to listen.
4. Tune In—Love Can Be Quiet
When a loved one is struggling, it’s natural to want to jump into action—making plans or offering solutions. But Corrigan learned that sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is simply sit with the person and be present.
She shared a story about her father in his final days. When he seemed agitated, Corrigan resisted the urge to call a nurse or try to comfort him with advice. Instead, she sat with him and let him express his regrets and thoughts. He talked about small things that still weighed on him, like not visiting his brother-in-law enough or wishing he had named a child after his lacrosse coach.
Rather than reassure him or minimize his feelings, Corrigan just listened. She communicated her presence by absorbing his emotions, letting him express them fully. And in that moment, it gave him peace.
“I thought love meant action. I had no idea it could be so still,” Corrigan reflects.
Sometimes, the most supportive thing you can do for someone in crisis is to listen deeply, create space for their emotions, and show love in quiet, still ways.
