Breaking the Silence: The Hidden Struggles of Abused Men
The Overlooked Reality of Male Abuse
While domestic abuse is often associated with female victims, a staggering 1 in 4 men in the U.S. experience some form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime. Yet, many struggle to seek help due to stigma, lack of resources, and societal expectations.
For eight years, I worked with the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services’ Adult Protective Services, investigating abuse against the elderly and disabled. I’ve sat across from grandfathers with rope burns on their wrists, listened to disabled fathers with black eyes refuse to talk, and tried to help young men trafficked for sex. Their silence speaks volumes about the barriers men face when seeking help.
The Stigma That Silences Men
According to Dr. Grey Endres, an associate professor of social work at Missouri Western State University and a consultant to Newhouse KC (a domestic violence shelter), male abuse is often underreported due to deep-rooted societal beliefs.
“Shame is binding,” Endres explains. “Men are raised to ‘shake it off’ and ‘stand up.’ Admitting to being a victim contradicts traditional notions of masculinity, making it even harder for men to seek help.”
Barriers to Seeking Help
Many abused men struggle to find support services, as most domestic violence shelters only accept women. This outdated mindset assumes that domestic violence is only committed by men against women, excluding male victims from receiving adequate care.
“Domestic violence is more than just intimate partner violence,” Endres points out. “It includes child abuse, gang violence, bullying, family sexual assault, and elder abuse. All violence is connected, but our support systems often work in silos, creating barriers for those in need.”
The Long-Term Impact of Abuse
Without intervention, the cycle of abuse continues. Studies show that children exposed to domestic violence are more likely to experience abuse as adults. In many cases, victims either become abusers themselves or fail to recognize red flags in relationships.
“You rationalize that violence is a way to solve problems, and that thinking carries into adulthood,” Endres explains. “Hurt people often don’t see the warning signs in others.”
Breaking the Cycle: Is It Too Late?
Healing from abuse is challenging, especially for those who experienced trauma in early childhood. But change is possible.
“The human condition is designed to heal,” Endres emphasizes. “It’s not about what’s wrong with you—it’s about what happened to you. Understanding that allows you to make choices to live differently and surround yourself with healthy people.”
Creating a Safety Plan for Men
Men facing abuse need both an emotional and physical safety plan:
- Emotional Safety Plan: When feeling overwhelmed, take small steps like rubbing your temples, stepping outside for fresh air, or listening to music. Talking to someone you trust can also help manage emotions.
- Physical Safety Plan: Prepare essential items in case you need to leave quickly. This includes:
- Copies of financial records, passports, driver’s licenses, and health insurance details.
- A bag of clothes stored at a trusted friend’s home.
- Contact information for support organizations and shelters.
Where Can Men Get Help?
Although fewer shelters cater to men, help is available:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE (7233)
- Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: 988
- Veterans Crisis Line: 988 (Press 1)
- State Adult Protective Services: Assists victims over 65 or those with disabilities.
- Local hotlines and domestic violence organizations can refer men to the right resources.
Protecting Children and Pets
Abusers often use children and pets as leverage against their victims. If you’re in this situation:
- Contact child protective services, law enforcement, or legal authorities for assistance.
- Some organizations, like Newhouse KC, provide support for men, women, children, and pets, offering shelter, therapy, legal advocacy, and case management.
The Path to Change
The fight against domestic violence must include all victims, regardless of gender. By breaking down barriers, raising awareness, and expanding resources for men, we can create a safer, more inclusive system for all survivors.
If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out for help—you are not alone.
